Beastlies: The Eleventacled Thing

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One scarier than a tentacled thing.

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Costa Coffee misspells “Lukewarm Milky Piss”

flat white

Costa Coffee shops were this morning accused of misspelling ‘Lukewarm Milky Piss’ on their menus, instead spelling it ‘Flat White’.

Customer Adam Tungsten said, “I saw the words ‘Flat White’ on the menu, and I thought I’d have one as I rather enjoy overpriced caffeine products. Imagine my surprise when instead of two shots of espresso topped with velvety microfoam bubbles, I got a big cup of frothy urine.  It was a really big cup, it took me ages to drink it.

“I mean, obviously I drank it, it cost me £2.60, but I was definitely disappointed. I prefer my coffee hotter and less salty, if I’m honest.”

A spokesman for Costa admitted their mistake saying, “This is too funny! We were genuinely confused about why our Lukewarm Milky Piss was so popular – we wondered who could possibly be buying all those bucket-sized mugs of beige wee. Have you tried it? It proper, proper mings. Ah well. Mystery solved I guess!”

Costa’s menus will be updated later in the week, as ‘Murky Ditchwater’, ‘Tooth-rotting Sugar Slurry’ and ‘Pricey Cup of Liquid Cack’ were also found to have been misspelled.

Budget: UK Vaginas to Donate £12million to Charity

George Osborne with despatch box

British vaginas are set to donate a whopping £12million to charity thanks to new measures announced by Chancellor George Osborne in his eighth budget.

Instead of abolishing the tampon tax, he has pledged to take the money currently levied on luxury items such as tampons and sanitary towels, and donate it to charities affecting women, such as Breast Cancer Care.

Osborne defended the move, saying “If you choose to own a vagina, you are much more likely to develop breast cancer, it’s perfectly logical

“It’s important that women are empowered to pay for their own cancer care. As for the more masculine cancers, well, it’s important that women chip in for those too.

“I don’t know, I am so high right now,” he added.

A spokesperson for one vagina hailed the move, saying: “I think it’s fantastic that vaginas finally get a chance to contribute something useful to society.

“I don’t think there’s any doubt that vaginas have played a large part in our current population crisis. It’s payback time.”

In a statement George Osborne said: “It brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘cash flow’

“But seriously, I think we can be proud that Britain’s vaginas are among the most generous in the world, which is ironic for a country currently governed by a bunch of greedy cunts.”

Inktober Monster 18

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The Very Slender Man
The myth of The Slender Man is quite well known by now. He is a long man with the power to appear unrealistic in old photographs. And now sightings are trickling in of this, the Very Slender Man, who is, apparently, a bit slenderer and even less realistic.

I am unconvinced as to the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched to the end of them. Fair enough, his face does appear to be entirely made of mouth, but he could have carved that hole into his head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.

Too Many Cooks

Remember this sitcom from the eighties?

Too Many Cooks aired in the 3am informercials spot on Adult Swim and is a relentlessly trippy example of running a joke into the ground, picking it up, dusting it off and then running it back into the ground. Then hitting it with a machete. Love it.

Nah

Shoes

Nah, a ridiculous short film I wrote, is shooting in Saltburn this weekend. It’s got a talking deer in it, and these shoes. Aren’t these shoes great? The film is directed by Laura Degnan. It should be finished by Christmas (talking deer take time) and I’m really looking forward to seeing it.