The Dinky Grey Dismantler
He is adorable. D’awwww! I can’t even! But be warned: if you get too close, maybe to pat his lovable head, or to poke your finger into his canny sideways little mouth-slot, lined as it is with loads of wubbly ickle teeth, he will shred you like you’re a crispy aromatic duck and he is a pair of forks. And even as you lie there in pieces, looking like a grisly, wet jigsaw of yourself, part of you will still be thinking “OMG so CUTE!”. (In case you’re wondering which part of you will be thinking that, it’s that part over there, lying on the floor in a puddle its own juices BECAUSE YOU GOT TOO CLOSE!)
The Big Hairy Hassle
Occasionally you will wake up and find a Big Hairy Hassle has come and sat himself down in your house, maybe in the front room, or the kitchen. He’s sitting there, emitting low-pitched grumbly-moaning noises, and taking up valuable space. You can get rid of a Big Hairy Hassle, but it’s a bit of a pain. You have to get various ingredients, boil them in the right kind of pot, recite a particular spell at a certain time, etc etc. You know, it’s doable but it’s a bit of a bother, frankly. By the time they die most people have got three or four Big Hairy Hassles living in their house that they’ve just kind of got used to.
The main problem with werewolves is that you’re never sure where to find them. They are brilliant at hiding, which is why nobody’s ever actually seen one. Therewolves are really easy to find. They are just there. No, not there. There. No, you’re looking in the wrong direction. There it is. There.
Normal spiders are horrifying enough but just look at this one. IT’S GOT A FACE! AND TOES! Imagine how icky a spider’s toes might be, then realise that this one has got 8 x 6 toes! How icky is that? YOU DO THE MATHS! (Because I literally can’t. 8 x 6 – what, is that… 30-something? A lot of toes anyhow.)
Also, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but this spider is definitely not more scared of you than you are of him.
You know how it is: on Sunday you have all the ingredients for something really special, but on Monday you’ve got to make do with whatever didn’t get used the day before: one torso and five evil/insane/evil and insane legs. He painted a face on it so it would look friendlier. It is quite good at football, and has no brain, just like a footballer.
The Indescribable Terror
Whenever a horror writer like Lovecraft or Derleth describes a creature as “indescribable” they mean it looks like this. I mean, you could describe it, but why would you bother?
If you ever find yourself trying, really trying, to do something, you may hear the flapping of leather wings above you. If you look up, you might catch a glimpse of Satan’s Cheerleader, cheerily letting you know that you’re rubbish at whatever it is you’re attempting. I heard those wings just now, and a cry of “my face isn’t that wonky, you cack-handed imbecile”. I just smiled and kept on drawing.
The Duck-Footed Pisk
This tiny slimeball hides in your fridge and makes all your food taste slightly of fish, which is, of course, the absolute worst thing for anything to taste slightly of.
Creeps into your bedroom at night and sucks the farts from under your duvet. Even he doesn’t know why.
Dark Lord Statin
A denizen of one of the outer regions of Hell (near Redcar), the Dark Lord Statin lowers cholesterol levels by hacking off your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you. Although the side effects include asymmetry and death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to diet and exercise.