Month: December 2014

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“Saint” Nicholas Ordeal Over

storytellerFather “Father” Christmas, the wealthy Lap toy manufacturer and philanthropist, has finally been released after a forty-four year kidnap ordeal.

Mr. Christmas had been seized in 1970 by some very, very naughty boys and girls.

News of his release has revealed a massive worldwide conspiracy to conceal the fate of the man known as “Santa Claus”. Parents had been instructed to maintain the appearance that Mr. Christmas was still visiting homes every Christmas Eve, by buying toys that he had previously given away for free.

Precise details of his capture and eventual release remain a closely-guarded secret, but a police spokesman announced they were looking for a Mr. Mattel and a Mr. Hasbro to help them with their enquiries. It is also believed that the Toys R Us giraffe was shot in the face in the course of the operation.

A frail-looking Father Christmas could only raise a red-mittened thumbs up, and mutter something about his kidnappers being “on my list, and not my nice list.” before being placed on a plane bound for RAF Lineham for debriefing.

Father Christmas is expected to return to work next December.

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10 Fun Christmas Facts!

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1. If anyone can hear you singing “Silent Night” you’re singing it wrong. The audible version is called “Audible Night”, for reasons lost in the mists of time!

2. Father Christmas is not Christmases real dad, he’s its step-dad, which is why he tries too hard.

3. The day after Christmas, December 26, is known as Boxing Day, because that’s traditionally the day when naughty children, fresh from their humiliating snub by Santa Claus, are put in boxes and posted to Hell!

4. The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25, 336AD in Rome, although the shops were full of decorations and Frozen calendars from mid-October that year!

5. The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas carols. It was an odd move as nothing is guaranteed to suck the joy out of an occasion like singing all fifteen fucking verses of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”!

6. Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones since 1991. Artificial sentiment overtook actual emotion two years later!

7. If you added up all the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas, while on fire, it would still be more fun than singing it, and anyone singing it in the area would be jealous of you!

8. Christmas is the time of year that parents tell a little white lie to children: that Doctor Who is actually any good!

9. Scientists estimate that human vocal chords evolved around 50,000 years ago, and since then the worst sound any human has ever made is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”!

10. Atheists celebrate Christmas by singing carols such as “Hark! Nothing Sings”, “O Come All Ye Knowledgeable” and “Audible Night”!