Beastlies: The Fine Deer

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Sometimes when walking alone at night you may find yourself haunted by thisĀ persistent apparition, which will trudge alongside youĀ sighing loudly, openly tutting, rolling its eyes and shaking its head sadly/angrily.

When it all gets to be too much, and you finally snap and askĀ “What’s wrong with you?” or “Are you all right?” the creature will only ever answer “I’m fine.”

Because it’s fine. Everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I’M FINE, OK? OK.

Beastlies: The Dread Cuthuthluth

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Every time somebody misspells “Cthulhu” on the internet, they get closer to completing the incantation which will call that monstrous entity’s slightly less impressive, differently-spelled cousin to this Earthly realm.

Cuthuthluth isĀ damp, five foot two, and smells of seaweed and desperation. Unlike his Great and Old cosmic cousin, he is not covered in tentacles. That’s not what those are.

Beastlies: The Huge Hairy Hassle

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Occasionally you will wake up and find that a Huge Hairy Hassle has broken into your home and sat himself down somewhere, perhaps the living room, possibly the kitchen. He’ll sit there, emitting low-pitched rumbly groaning noises and taking up valuable space.

You can get rid of a Huge Hairy Hassle, but it’s a bit of a pain. You have to obtain various ingredients, combine them in the right kind of pot, recite a particular spell at precisely the right time of night, when the moon’s position in the sky is just so etc etc. You know, it’s doable, but it’s a lot of bother, frankly.

By the time they die, most people will have accumulated three or four Huge Hairy Hassles lolling about their house, emitting low-pitched rumbly groaning noises and taking up valuable space, that they’ve just kind of got used to.

Beastlies: The Squid of Foreboding

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This soggy, multi-suckered soothsayer launches itself out of rivers and lakes to shout doom-laden warnings of bad things to come at startled passers-by.

“Bad things are going to happen!” it yells, its tentacles flapping about all agitated.

“What, worse than a six-foot squid leaping out of a river to shout at me?” the passer-by will often ask, quite naturally.

“Oh, right, yeah, no, probably not actually,” the squid will say. “Sorry for wasting your time.”

And the Squid of Foreboding will slither back into the water, a bit embarassed, but with a weird, dark feeling that this will all happen again quite soon.

Beastlies: Dark Lord Statin

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People seeking to lose weight often call upon the demonic services of the Dark Lord Statin. He is clinically proven to reduce cholesterol levels. He does this by hacking off chunks of your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you!

Although the side-effects of the Dark Lord’s treatment can include dizziness, asymmetry and/or death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to dieting and/or exercise.

Beastlies: The Very Slender Man

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The myth of The Slender Man is very well known. He is a longĀ man with the uncanny ability to appear unrealistic in old photoshops. And now, terrifyingly, reports are now trickling in of this, The Very Slender Man, who is, apparently a bit slenderer, and even less realistic.

I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitchedĀ stitched to the end of them.

Fair enough, his face does appear to be a massive hole filled with teeth but a commited hoaxer could have carved that hole into his own head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.

Beastlies: Bobby Mahogany

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A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany dwells in largeĀ furniture stores and whispers suggestively into visiting ladies’ ears: “oh, wouldst not that chest of drawers look delicious in thy bedroom?” or “my sweet, thou hast only been in here for an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course, a lady canst never have too many chests of drawers.”

But a lady CAN have too many chests of drawers. He’s evil. Pure evil.