Moon Shot UK – short film on Future Shorts

The first English moon landing goes a bit skew whiff.  Written, directed and performed by some chancer with a space suit.

Don’t know why I decided to post this today. For some reason the word “moonwalk” has been floating around my brain. Inexplicable!

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Friday’s Short Story

storytellerGentlemen. Domestos. It’s not performing.

History lesson: When I was a kid, when you were a kid, Domestos had the famous slogan “Kills 99 percent of all known germs… Dead”, which was quite a boast even in those days, when there were actually only three known germs. (In fact, as it later turned out, one of those germs, the deadliest of the three, wasn’t even a germ at all. It was a midget with a gun.) Still, 99 percent of three is a lot of germs, proportionally speaking.

But where could they go from there? All its competitors could come back, year on year, advertising that they were now 50 percent improved, 39 percent stickier, 76 percent more blue. Domestos, no matter how hard it tried, could only ever be 1 percent better.

Oh, they got there. When I joined the company Domestos was marching under the slogan: “Kills Germs Dead”. Great slogan. Brutal. Definitive. You can’t get better than that. That is job done, for a bleach. We had achieved bleach perfection. We’d reached the top, and had to stop, and that’s what’s bothering me. Unless…

Gentlemen. I have a modest proposal. The time has come to broaden our remit. I’ve been doing some research and I think that if we are to remain vital and competitive in the 21st century we need to move into areas in which progress is once again a possibility.

In my experience Domestos will kill most things smaller than a rabbit… Dead. No, no. I’m not suggesting that this is an appropriate fact to hang an advertising campaign off. People are not scared of rabbits. In fact a lot of people quite like rabbits, so even if Joe Blow was to find a rabbit in his toilet his first reaction would probably be “Aww, there’s a rabbit in the toilet”, not “Mrs Blow! Get the bleach! And not that cheap own-brand shit, either. We’re going nuclear. Get the Domestos.”

If next year we announced that Domestos would definitely kill even quite large rabbits I can’t see sales improving too much.

But what about this: “Domestos! Kills a good 3 percent of tigers… Dead. If you aim it right and use enough of it. (Your face and body may be at risk. If you get even a small amount of tiger in your eye flush with water and await help.)”

People are scared of tigers. I know I am. I’d be comforted to know that if a domestic tiger event was to occur my chances of survival would be upped even marginally.

And then the following year we, the fine folks at Domestos, could announce that our product, still one hundred percent germ-killy remember, was now 6 per cent more deadly to tigers, and also had a more lemony fragrance, why gentlemen! We could sit back and watch sales grow and I could look forward to the day when I can release myself from this anti-tiger cage and rejoin society.

And then? Gentlemen, then we go after the fucking polar bears. Who’s with me?

******
Domestos
by Harris
more tiny tales

The Works – live sketch show booking now.

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The Works: I got a sketch in this, I did. Wee!

The Works is a team-written sketch show that combines the crème of established comic writers and exciting new talent. It’s a unique venture giving comedy writers the chance to show off their very best work live on stage.

Performed by David Armand, Mathew Baynton, Isabel Fay, Katherine Jakeways, Nick Mohammed, Renton Skinner, Isy Suttie and Rosalyn Wright.

Directed by Justin Edwards

Written by Stuart Beale, Blakewill & Harris, Burge & Way, Carter & Cooke, Crockatt & Scott, John Foster, Ben Green, Ali Griggs, James Harris (I’d make it flash if I could), Harrison Banks, Lee Henman, Scott Kingsnorth, Giselle Melanson, Jonathon Morris, Dale Shaw, Siddons & White, Rob Smith, Tim Smith, Vincent & Allen and Catie Wilkins.

Tickets available here: Ticketweb (£8/£7 in advance, £10 on the door)

Newsjack – showcase for new comedy writing

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Newsjack Website

Newsjack is BBC Radio 7’s new topical sketch show, which seeks to comically scrutinise the news, views and issues of the day.

And they have an open submissions policy.

What they’re after:

Regular Features – Part One

We will include stand-alone sketches but are also looking to establish some recurring features, which you can write for:

Your Voice
These Vox Pops (in which we pretend to ask the great British public what they think) are a great opportunity for one-liners or quick jokes.
In the pilot we chose to theme them around MP’s Expenses. In the series we have decided they can be about any prominent news issue. These vox pops will be heard throughout the show.

From the Archive
Every week we delve through the archives and find out how a fictional show from the past covered topical events of their day.

FAQ’s
Miles answers listeners’ letters and emails. These could be topical or just silly, long or short.

Regular Features – Part Two

Celebrity Diary
Try writing a “sneak peak” into the inner thoughts of someone who’s been in the news recently.

A nice opportunity for our cast to do an impressions. e.g. Michelle Obama or Peter Andre’s diary, Joanna Lumley’s blog.

Miles Undercover
Miles does an undercover investigation related to a specific news story, a la Donal MacIntyre

Newsbullet
Newsjack does its own parody version of “youthy” fast-paced, bite sized news such as Newsbeat and 60 second news. Hosted by 1 male and 1 female “youthy” presenters.

Corrections
Another good opportunity for one-liners. At the end of the show these ‘corrections’ pretend to address any mistakes we made in last week’s show.

But don’t let us be prescriptive: you may have characters that you would like to create, a funny movie reviewer or mad royal correspondent, for example.

We would be very happy to include any amusing characters or features that you come up with. And of course, something you come up with could become a regular item in the show.

The submission deadline each week is Monday midday – we will not look at sketches that arrive any later.

The submission deadline for the Vox Pops is later. It allows us to be more topical with those. Please submit these by Tuesday 5PM – we will not look at vox pops that arrive any later.

More info at the website…

Absolutely Audition Sketch

I remembered this as being much funnier than it actually is, but as a sometime actor and director, I can relate…

Absolutely followed the Python format of having the sketches run into one another, so again, no big punchline, although I did like the complete pointlessness of the actress’ part at the end, so hey. Who’s complaining? Not me. I’m not, no.

Mr Show Audition Sketch

Head Shot (see below) got me thinking about auditions, which got me thinking about this sublime sketch from Mr Show. It’s one of those sketches where you kind of know what’s coming, but it’s still funny anyway.

If you’ve never seen Mr Show, it’s well worth tracking down. Pythonesque absurdity and theatricality, and, oh, I don’t know, David Crossity and Bob Odenkirkity.