People seeking to lose weight often call upon the demonic services of the Dark Lord Statin. He is clinically proven to reduce cholesterol levels. He does this by hacking off chunks of your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you!
Although the side-effects of the Dark Lord’s treatment can include dizziness, asymmetry and/or death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to dieting and/or exercise.
One scarier than a tentacled thing.
It had been made quite clear during the interview process that if I wanted to climb the ladder at Timely Holdings I would have to be prepared to make certain sacrifices. It was also made clear that if I didn’t want to climb the ladder then I had no place at Timely Holdings. So yes, I told them, I wanted to climb the ladder and therefore sacrifices would be made. In fact, I was all about sacrifice, I told them. Had I not put that in my personal statement, about sacrificing? No? Well I certainly meant to. After the stuff about focus, innovative solutions and working well as part of a team and also on my own initiative. I got the job.
So when, at the end of my first week my line manager strode towards me in a goal-orientated way, me being the goal and his orientation being spot-on, and told me that I would have to work on Saturday, who was I to argue? I was on the first rung of a ladder that was going to take me all the way, baby.
Which is why I sacrificed my weekend. Which is why I was sitting alone at my cubicle at 2pm on that Saturday afternoon when Satan strode towards me in what I had grown to recognise as a goal-orientated way. Continue reading
This tiny, duck-footed slimeball hides in your fridge and makes all your food taste slightly of fish which is, of course, the absolute worst thing for anything to taste slightly of.
The myth of The Slender Man is very well known. He is a long man with the uncanny ability to appear unrealistic in old photoshops. And now, terrifyingly, reports are now trickling in of this, The Very Slender Man, who is, apparently a bit slenderer, and even less realistic.
I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched stitched to the end of them.
Fair enough, his face does appear to be a massive hole filled with teeth but a commited hoaxer could have carved that hole into his own head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.
A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany dwells in large furniture stores and whispers suggestively into visiting ladies’ ears: “oh, wouldst not that chest of drawers look delicious in thy bedroom?” or “my sweet, thou hast only been in here for an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course, a lady canst never have too many chests of drawers.”
But a lady CAN have too many chests of drawers. He’s evil. Pure evil.
Harry had definitely gone to bed drunk, and he had certainly eaten a lot of cheese. These were two facts: solid, uncontroversial, the kind of truths you could rap your knuckle on.
“I am a bit drunk, and I have eaten far too much cheese on toast,” he said out loud, but the ghost just stared at him, impassively.
He had never seen a ghost before. He didn’t believe in ghosts. These were also facts. Stating facts was helping prevent him from panicking. Continue reading
You may have heard of “elementals” – powerful entities born of fire, water, air or earth. Jonjo was born of the element of surprise. You absolutely won’t be expecting him to pop up in your kitchen or bathroom, and you certainly won’t be expecting him to shout “MERINGUE!” right in your face, but that’s what he will do.
Of course, now you’ve read this, and you are expecting him to do it, he won’t. Ever. Surprise!
The Probiotic Yoggoth looks awful and tastes even worse, but if you can swallow a Yoggoth whole it will eliminate any stomach problems you may have, by eating your stomach. It will then eliminate any kidney problems, liver problems and, ultimately, any problems you may be experiencing or causing for other people. Useful.
They say “It’s The Thort that counts” and they are right. Here The Thort is counting how many pounds he saved by just thinking about buying a Valentines present this year instead of actually doing it..
Ramshackle Charm 