Beastlies: The Fine Deer

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Sometimes when walking alone at night you may find yourself haunted by thisĀ persistent apparition, which will trudge alongside youĀ sighing loudly, openly tutting, rolling its eyes and shaking its head sadly/angrily.

When it all gets to be too much, and you finally snap and askĀ “What’s wrong with you?” or “Are you all right?” the creature will only ever answer “I’m fine.”

Because it’s fine. Everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I’M FINE, OK? OK.

Beastlies: The Dread Cuthuthluth

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Every time somebody misspells “Cthulhu” on the internet, they get closer to completing the incantation which will call that monstrous entity’s slightly less impressive, differently-spelled cousin to this Earthly realm.

Cuthuthluth isĀ damp, five foot two, and smells of seaweed and desperation. Unlike his Great and Old cosmic cousin, he is not covered in tentacles. That’s not what those are.

Beastlies: The Squid of Foreboding

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This soggy, multi-suckered soothsayer launches itself out of rivers and lakes to shout doom-laden warnings of bad things to come at startled passers-by.

“Bad things are going to happen!” it yells, its tentacles flapping about all agitated.

“What, worse than a six-foot squid leaping out of a river to shout at me?” the passer-by will often ask, quite naturally.

“Oh, right, yeah, no, probably not actually,” the squid will say. “Sorry for wasting your time.”

And the Squid of Foreboding will slither back into the water, a bit embarassed, but with a weird, dark feeling that this will all happen again quite soon.

Beastlies: Bobby Mahogany

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A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany dwells in largeĀ furniture stores and whispers suggestively into visiting ladies’ ears: “oh, wouldst not that chest of drawers look delicious in thy bedroom?” or “my sweet, thou hast only been in here for an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course, a lady canst never have too many chests of drawers.”

But a lady CAN have too many chests of drawers. He’s evil. Pure evil.

Beastlies: Jonjo the Startler

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You may have heard of “elementals” Ā – powerful entitiesĀ born of fire, water, air or earth. Jonjo was born of the element of surprise. You absolutely won’t be expecting him to pop up in your kitchen or bathroom, and you certainly won’t be expecting him to shout “MERINGUE!” right in your face, but that’s what he will do.

Of course, now you’ve read this, and you are expecting him to do it, he won’t. Ever. Surprise!

Beastlies: The Probiotic Yoggoth

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The Probiotic Yoggoth looks awful and tastes even worse, but if you can swallow a Yoggoth whole it will eliminate any stomach problems you may have, by eating your stomach. It will then eliminate any kidney problems, liver problems and, ultimately, any problems you may be experiencing or causing for other people. Useful.

Beastlies: The Furry Perdling

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If you have lost something, and you say this simple rhyme:

O Perdling, O Perdling

Won’t you help me find this thing?

…then up to seven business days later the Perdling will email you a series of questions, such as”where did you see it last?” or “is it in your pocket?”

Five days after that it will appear and point somewhere that the item definitely isn’t, to help you eliminate that area from your enquiries.

Then it will eat its way into your face and lay its furry eggs in your brain. Basically, don’t say the rhyme, is what I’m getting at.

 

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The Dinky Grey Dismantler
He is adorable. D’awwww! I can’t even! But be warned: if you get too close, maybe to pat his lovable head, or to poke your finger into his canny sideways little mouth-slot, lined as it is with loads of wubbly ickle teeth, he will shred you like you’re a crispy aromatic duck and he is a pair of forks. And even as you lie there in pieces, looking like a grisly, wet jigsaw of yourself, part of you will still be thinking “OMG so CUTE!”. (In case you’re wondering which part of you will be thinking that, it’s that part over there, lying on the floor in a puddle its own juices BECAUSE YOU GOT TOO CLOSE!)

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The Big Hairy Hassle
Occasionally you will wake up and find a Big Hairy Hassle has come and sat himself down in your house, maybe in the front room, or the kitchen. He’s sitting there, emitting low-pitched grumbly-moaning noises, and taking up valuable space. You can get rid of a Big Hairy Hassle, but it’s a bit of a pain. You have to get various ingredients, boil them in the right kind of pot, recite a particular spell at a certain time, etc etc. You know, it’s doable but it’s a bit of a bother, frankly. By the time they die most people have got three or four Big Hairy Hassles living in their house that they’ve just kind of got used to.