The main problem with werewolves is that you’re never sure where to find them. They are brilliant at hiding, which is why nobody’s ever actually seen one. Therewolves are really easy to find. They are just there. No, not there. There. No, you’re looking in the wrong direction. There it is. There.
Normal spiders are horrifying enough but just look at this one. IT’S GOT A FACE! AND TOES! Imagine how icky a spider’s toes might be, then realise that this one has got 8 x 6 toes! How icky is that? YOU DO THE MATHS! (Because I literally can’t. 8 x 6 – what, is that… 30-something? A lot of toes anyhow.)
Also, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but this spider is definitely not more scared of you than you are of him.
You know how it is: on Sunday you have all the ingredients for something really special, but on Monday you’ve got to make do with whatever didn’t get used the day before: one torso and five evil/insane/evil and insane legs. He painted a face on it so it would look friendlier. It is quite good at football, and has no brain, just like a footballer.
The Indescribable Terror
Whenever a horror writer like Lovecraft or Derleth describes a creature as “indescribable” they mean it looks like this. I mean, you could describe it, but why would you bother?
If you ever find yourself trying, really trying, to do something, you may hear the flapping of leather wings above you. If you look up, you might catch a glimpse of Satan’s Cheerleader, cheerily letting you know that you’re rubbish at whatever it is you’re attempting. I heard those wings just now, and a cry of “my face isn’t that wonky, you cack-handed imbecile”. I just smiled and kept on drawing.
The Duck-Footed Pisk
This tiny slimeball hides in your fridge and makes all your food taste slightly of fish, which is, of course, the absolute worst thing for anything to taste slightly of.
Creeps into your bedroom at night and sucks the farts from under your duvet. Even he doesn’t know why.
Dark Lord Statin
A denizen of one of the outer regions of Hell (near Redcar), the Dark Lord Statin lowers cholesterol levels by hacking off your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you. Although the side effects include asymmetry and death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to diet and exercise.
Bellends. Total bloody bellends. Imps are wild and uncontrollable, seemingly existing only to follow their whims, no matter who they may annoy or irritate or accidentally decapitate or push out of a window for chuckles. Imps are full of boundless energy and a limitless capacity for malevolent fun. Not to be confused with children, which are worse.
The Matryoska Monster
Really the only time you want to see a Matryoska monster (or Russian Doll Demon) is at this moment: just after he’s finished pulling all his tiny selves out of his bum, and just before he starts stuffing them back in.