Beastlies: The Fine Deer

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Sometimes when walking alone at night you may find yourself haunted by this persistent apparition, which will trudge alongside you sighing loudly, openly tutting, rolling its eyes and shaking its head sadly/angrily.

When it all gets to be too much, and you finally snap and ask “What’s wrong with you?” or “Are you all right?” the creature will only ever answer “I’m fine.”

Because it’s fine. Everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I’M FINE, OK? OK.

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Beastlies: Dark Lord Statin

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People seeking to lose weight often call upon the demonic services of the Dark Lord Statin. He is clinically proven to reduce cholesterol levels. He does this by hacking off chunks of your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you!

Although the side-effects of the Dark Lord’s treatment can include dizziness, asymmetry and/or death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to dieting and/or exercise.

Beastlies: The Very Slender Man

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The myth of The Slender Man is very well known. He is a long man with the uncanny ability to appear unrealistic in old photoshops. And now, terrifyingly, reports are now trickling in of this, The Very Slender Man, who is, apparently a bit slenderer, and even less realistic.

I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched stitched to the end of them.

Fair enough, his face does appear to be a massive hole filled with teeth but a commited hoaxer could have carved that hole into his own head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.

Beastlies: Bobby Mahogany

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A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany dwells in large furniture stores and whispers suggestively into visiting ladies’ ears: “oh, wouldst not that chest of drawers look delicious in thy bedroom?” or “my sweet, thou hast only been in here for an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course, a lady canst never have too many chests of drawers.”

But a lady CAN have too many chests of drawers. He’s evil. Pure evil.