Question Time panelist pauses for applause which never comes

qt-audience

Liam Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade, was said to be in a state of shock on Thursday night after he paused for an applause break during the BBC’s Question Time and was instead met by stony silence.

An audience member described the harrowing scene, saying, “He made a comment about the previous Labour government that he thought would please the audience, something like “I know you are but what am I?” – I mean, not that but that was the gist of it – and then he just sort of raised his eyebrows at the audience as if to say – go on then, give us a clap.

“But the audience just sat there looking at him. And then he tried to smile. It was horrible, like a shark with wind.”

Another witness said, “He gazed into the audience like a hopeful puppy staring at a crisp. You know, if the puppy was evil and the crisp was some money in a disabled woman’s pocket. The audience stared back in silence as the long seconds ticked by. A single, throaty cough broke the silence at the 20 second mark but by then it was too late. He looked at us, and we looked at him. We were locked in a weird kind of loop. We were stuck.”

After three hours of excruciatingly awkward silence the emergency services were called, and Mr Fox was winched out of the building, after which the audience could finally relax.

A BBC spokesman assured viewers that David Dimbleby was unaffected by the ordeal, as “He really doesn’t have a clue what the hell’s going on these days.

“As long as he’s warm and there’s a bottle of Chivas Regal nearby, he’s golden.” he said.

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Costa Coffee misspells “Lukewarm Milky Piss”

flat white

Costa Coffee shops were this morning accused of misspelling ‘Lukewarm Milky Piss’ on their menus, instead spelling it ‘Flat White’.

Customer Adam Tungsten said, “I saw the words ‘Flat White’ on the menu, and I thought I’d have one as I rather enjoy overpriced caffeine products. Imagine my surprise when instead of two shots of espresso topped with velvety microfoam bubbles, I got a big cup of frothy urine.  It was a really big cup, it took me ages to drink it.

“I mean, obviously I drank it, it cost me £2.60, but I was definitely disappointed. I prefer my coffee hotter and less salty, if I’m honest.”

A spokesman for Costa admitted their mistake saying, “This is too funny! We were genuinely confused about why our Lukewarm Milky Piss was so popular – we wondered who could possibly be buying all those bucket-sized mugs of beige wee. Have you tried it? It proper, proper mings. Ah well. Mystery solved I guess!”

Costa’s menus will be updated later in the week, as ‘Murky Ditchwater’, ‘Tooth-rotting Sugar Slurry’ and ‘Pricey Cup of Liquid Cack’ were also found to have been misspelled.

Budget: UK Vaginas to Donate £12million to Charity

George Osborne with despatch box

British vaginas are set to donate a whopping £12million to charity thanks to new measures announced by Chancellor George Osborne in his eighth budget.

Instead of abolishing the tampon tax, he has pledged to take the money currently levied on luxury items such as tampons and sanitary towels, and donate it to charities affecting women, such as Breast Cancer Care.

Osborne defended the move, saying “If you choose to own a vagina, you are much more likely to develop breast cancer, it’s perfectly logical

“It’s important that women are empowered to pay for their own cancer care. As for the more masculine cancers, well, it’s important that women chip in for those too.

“I don’t know, I am so high right now,” he added.

A spokesperson for one vagina hailed the move, saying: “I think it’s fantastic that vaginas finally get a chance to contribute something useful to society.

“I don’t think there’s any doubt that vaginas have played a large part in our current population crisis. It’s payback time.”

In a statement George Osborne said: “It brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘cash flow’

“But seriously, I think we can be proud that Britain’s vaginas are among the most generous in the world, which is ironic for a country currently governed by a bunch of greedy cunts.”