Friday’s Short Story: The Ghost of Dave

storyteller Harry had definitely gone to bed drunk, and he had certainly eaten a lot of cheese. These were two facts: solid, uncontroversial, the kind of truths you could rap your knuckle on.

“I am a bit drunk, and I have eaten far too much cheese on toast,” he said out loud, but the ghost just stared at him, impassively.

He had never seen a ghost before. He didn’t believe in ghosts. These were also facts. Stating facts was helping prevent him from panicking. Continue reading

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Beastlies: Jonjo the Startler

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You may have heard of “elementals”  – powerful entities born of fire, water, air or earth. Jonjo was born of the element of surprise. You absolutely won’t be expecting him to pop up in your kitchen or bathroom, and you certainly won’t be expecting him to shout “MERINGUE!” right in your face, but that’s what he will do.

Of course, now you’ve read this, and you are expecting him to do it, he won’t. Ever. Surprise!

Beastlies: The Probiotic Yoggoth

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The Probiotic Yoggoth looks awful and tastes even worse, but if you can swallow a Yoggoth whole it will eliminate any stomach problems you may have, by eating your stomach. It will then eliminate any kidney problems, liver problems and, ultimately, any problems you may be experiencing or causing for other people. Useful.

Beastlies: The Furry Perdling

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If you have lost something, and you say this simple rhyme:

O Perdling, O Perdling

Won’t you help me find this thing?

…then up to seven business days later the Perdling will email you a series of questions, such as”where did you see it last?” or “is it in your pocket?”

Five days after that it will appear and point somewhere that the item definitely isn’t, to help you eliminate that area from your enquiries.

Then it will eat its way into your face and lay its furry eggs in your brain. Basically, don’t say the rhyme, is what I’m getting at.

 

Costa Coffee misspells “Lukewarm Milky Piss”

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Costa Coffee shops were this morning accused of misspelling ‘Lukewarm Milky Piss’ on their menus, instead spelling it ‘Flat White’.

Customer Adam Tungsten said, “I saw the words ‘Flat White’ on the menu, and I thought I’d have one as I rather enjoy overpriced caffeine products. Imagine my surprise when instead of two shots of espresso topped with velvety microfoam bubbles, I got a big cup of frothy urine.  It was a really big cup, it took me ages to drink it.

“I mean, obviously I drank it, it cost me £2.60, but I was definitely disappointed. I prefer my coffee hotter and less salty, if I’m honest.”

A spokesman for Costa admitted their mistake saying, “This is too funny! We were genuinely confused about why our Lukewarm Milky Piss was so popular – we wondered who could possibly be buying all those bucket-sized mugs of beige wee. Have you tried it? It proper, proper mings. Ah well. Mystery solved I guess!”

Costa’s menus will be updated later in the week, as ‘Murky Ditchwater’, ‘Tooth-rotting Sugar Slurry’ and ‘Pricey Cup of Liquid Cack’ were also found to have been misspelled.

10 Fun Christmas Facts!

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1. If anyone can hear you singing “Silent Night” you’re singing it wrong. The audible version is called “Audible Night”, for reasons lost in the mists of time!

2. Father Christmas is not Christmases real dad, he’s its step-dad, which is why he tries too hard.

3. The day after Christmas, December 26, is known as Boxing Day, because that’s traditionally the day when naughty children, fresh from their humiliating snub by Santa Claus, are put in boxes and posted to Hell!

4. The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25, 336AD in Rome, although the shops were full of decorations and Frozen calendars from mid-October that year!

5. The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas carols. It was an odd move as nothing is guaranteed to suck the joy out of an occasion like singing all fifteen fucking verses of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”!

6. Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones since 1991. Artificial sentiment overtook actual emotion two years later!

7. If you added up all the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas, while on fire, it would still be more fun than singing it, and anyone singing it in the area would be jealous of you!

8. Christmas is the time of year that parents tell a little white lie to children: that Doctor Who is actually any good!

9. Scientists estimate that human vocal chords evolved around 50,000 years ago, and since then the worst sound any human has ever made is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”!

10. Atheists celebrate Christmas by singing carols such as “Hark! Nothing Sings”, “O Come All Ye Knowledgeable” and “Audible Night”!