Heh. Well, you have to laugh. Because it’s a funny short film! Written and directed by Tony Roche, part of the writing team for The Thick of It and In The Loop. I like the pigeon.
Aloha!
Race for the Prize! This version is perhaps a bit more gong-and-theremin heavy than necessary, but it’s still got me dancin. If I had to choose a top song ever, it would be a two way tie between this and Glenn Campbell’s Wichita Lineman. Very different songs but they both hit me like heart-seeking missiles, or, more accurately, like beautiful songs. Wayne Coyne is a hero. He has a great beard and seems restlessly creative. If I could achieve either I would be a happy man.
Anyway. You’ve found my blog. Originally set up to promote my dumb comedy ambitions, it expanded into being a collection of stuff I like, then recently it all went a bit haywire with personal kerfufflery*. From now on it’ll be a mix of all three, although the personal stuff will be less kerfuffley (sorry, kerfuffle-seekers!).
So… hi! I’m updating the blog a lot at the mo, but that’s mostly due to the fact I’m currently waking up at a ridiculous time in the morning and I’ve nothing better to do than sit with coffee and toast and randomly bash the keyboard until recognisable words and sentences appear. You will find some of those sentences below. Enjoy.
*I’m doing ok now, as it goes.
Friday’s Short Story
DCI Allinson surveyed the crime scene. It was a living room like any other in Britain. Magnolia walls, IKEA coffee table, a ridiculously bulky widescreen plasma TV burbling in the corner. And on the sofa, Mr McCarthy, a middle-aged man in decent shape, lying sprawled with a large wooden stake through his heart.
I should get one of those TVs, thought Allinson.
His gaze fell on the man’s wife, sitting on the tastefully-upholstered armchair. She appeared distraught, hands shaking as she drew hungrily on a cigarette.
Allinson’s partner, DCI Welsh, was taking notes in his little pad.
“And you admit you stabbed your husband through the heart?” said Allinson.
“Yes. I… I had to. It was self defence. He was a vampire.” said Mrs McCarthy.
Welsh looked up from his pad.
“He was a… I’m sorry, what?” asked Allinson.
“A vampire. Nosferatu.”
“Um…” He glanced over at Welsh. Welsh looked confused.
“How many eff’s in Nosferatu?” asked Welsh.
Allinson looked up at the ceiling for a moment. Nice cornicing.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” he said, eyes returning to the suspect, “what led you to believe that your husband was a… a vampire?”
“Well… he wore a lot of black”
“Go on.”
“And he… he didn’t like garlic,” she added.
“What? Oh for… you’re telling me you killed your husband because… Jesus Christ. Look, I’m wearing black and I don’t like garlic. Are you going to..?”
With a scream DCI Welsh leapt to the sofa, wrenched the stake from Mr McCarthy’s body, turned and thrust it into DCI Allinson’s chest.
As Allinson sank to the carpet, gurgling, Welsh knelt by Mrs McCarthy and laid a calming hand on her shoulder.
“There there, it’s OK. I am so sorry,” said DCI Welsh. “I had no idea. Dirty vampires, they get everywhere.”
******
Vampyros Stupidos by Harris
more tiny tales
Hoppipolla
Stunning. I… excuse me, I think I have something in my eye…
I want to go to Iceland (oh yes, very funny, but you know what I mean).
Global Warming
A song wars song from Joe Cornish. It has whistling and an anguished polar bear in it. Win! Not so sure about the video, but just close your eyes and imagine something amazing directed by you, or Michael Bay. Boom!
Funny or…
This man is in hiding after ruining my punchline
You can see it here: Selling Out
It’s not too bad, as far as it goes, although it doesn’t so much end as just stop, cos they couldn’t use the punchline I wrote due to music clearance issues.
Basically, Robbie Williams ruined my sketch. How many people can say that? I feel almost privileged.
Apart from lopping off the last 20 seconds, the only other change they made was swapping the word “mint” for the word “sick”, which I assume is what kids these days say when they want to say something’s good. But “sick” is, like “bad”, the opposite of good! I just don’t understand those crazy kids! I’m so out of touch!
Still, all in all the sketch is “terrible” (that means “good”, right kids?).
Toast
Forget life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Or rather don’t, but recognise that toast with butter is a basic human right up there with the other three. Best eaten off a plate, all cosy comfy in bed.
What glorious magic occurs inside the toaster to transform a simple slice of bread into the warm and crunchy food of the gods?
There are only around three things in life more satisfying than the perfect piece of toast, and to be honest even they might be improved by the addition of a buttery slice.
It’s nice with soup too.
Nom nom nom! That’s all I’m saying. Hehe, it really is the little things…
Bizziness
It’s September, and me jolly hollybobs are over. I’m pretty busy over the next few months. I just started rehearsals for a new theatre in education tour. I say new, I did the same show six years ago. We watched a video from the original tour – goodness, that was an odd experience. I’d say I looked young, but I dunno, I think I looked older somehow. I mean, it might have been the grey wig and shawl, but who can say?
Anyway, I feel certain that my long-awaited return to the role of Mr Fable, kindly sweet-shop owner and storyteller, will be the talk of theatreland for months to come. And my Ugly Sister, and Donald the Brummie Dragon? The reviews will be stellar, darling.
It’s a lot of fun so far: it’s a job that I love, and the money will come in very handy, especially if I’m going to be moving next year.
And I’ve got two separate schools drama projects on, plus my Intro to Acting course at the Arc in Stockton. It’s fair to say I’m feeling motivated again. I love my work, which is more than a lot of people can say. It feels like play. I’m thankful for it. And it seems I’m quite good at it, too.
And there’s always the magical extras: the writing, the dumb comedy (joined a Leeds-based sketch group, we’ll see how that goes) and the music. Always the music.
It keeps me sane, man. Hehe. Mostly.
The Rat Control The Cook plus Sausages
New from Adam Buxton. Mesmerisinginging!
Bonus! Buxton sings about my favourite breakfast ciabatta filling:
If I Didn’t Have You
I met Tim Minchin once, at a party in Edinburgh. He was very nice, especially considering my drunken opening gambit was “I usually hate comedy songs, but…”
Anyway, I usually hate comedy songs, but Minchin’s stuff is funny and clever and thoughtful and musically ambitious and funny, and seems to come from a good place. As ever, there’s more to find on YouTube.
I saw him play If I Didn’t Have You live last year. And I loved it, cos at its heart… it’s true. Lasting love is about choice, not necessity. About knowing that you and this person complement and delight each other in this way, and it’s wonderful and it’s all you want. Other possible connections are always available, but you simply don’t want to know about them.
Isn’t that love? Or at least a big part of it? I think so, and it’s all the sweeter for it.
Hehe, that’s a lot of waffle about what is, after all, just a funny song, innit?
Ramshackle Charm 