The Flaming Selfie
This jolly jasper is a rum old conundrum. He appears to be as happy as Larry, constantly photographing himself grinning like a Cheshire beachball, as though his life literally couldn’t be any better. Don’t follow him on Facebook, unless you want your life to feel empty and joyless in comparison. Oh, feeling “blessed” again are you? How lovely!

But… his head is on fire. There’s flames coming off his face. That’s got to hurt hasn’t it?

I hope it does. I hope it absolutely knacks and that he cries himself to sleep every night, in the vain hope that the tears will dampen the flames, but they won’t, and the tears are really salty so it stings even more. Stupid happy-looking clot.

Or, look, maybe he’s an inspirational lesson to us all, smiling through his adversity. So brave!

Nah.

MerBear
Imagine this is a thing that exists. Now imagine what the consequences of that might be. Haha that’s pretty funny!

Now imagine you get bitten by one on a full moon. Imagine that turns you into a WereMerBear. Now imagine what the consequences of that might be. Haha ah dear, priceless! See? This shit more or less writes itself.

The Abominable Man
Look at that haircut. I mean, just look at it. I don’t care how tall you are (three stories) or how often you clamber down from your home in the mountains to devour a whole town full of people once a year (quite often) or how likely you are to actually exist (???), that haircut is the worst. I bet you’ve got two arms full of ill-conceived tattoos under that rank, probably moustache-waxed, fur haven’t you? And I bet you take two hours to make an eminently Instagrammable £7 cup of coffee in some trendy cafe up in those mountains don’t you? Fucking hell, your whole body is made of beard! You abominable man.

Bristle-Backed Flob
Vampires these days are generally portrayed as sensitive, brooding men with sparkly skin and very little pubic hair, which is not bad going for what is essentially a horrifying six-foot leech with legs, who smells of black pudding, Brylcreem and scabs.

So now a lot of monsters have tried to rehabilitate their image in the same way. This sweaty cretin has given himself a makeover and thinks he looks suave, not realising that you can paint one eyebrow raised on your mask but that doesn’t make you David Niven.

The Furry Perdling
If you have lost something, and you say this simple rhyme: “O Perdling, O Perdling, Come and help me find this thing”, then up to seven days later the Furry Perdling will email you a series of questions like where did you see it last?, or is it in your pocket?

Five days after that it will appear and point somewhere the item definitely isn’t, to help you eliminate that area from your enquiries. Then it will eat its way into your face and lay its eggs in your brain. Basically don’t say the rhyme, is what I’m getting at.

The Thwarted Ambition
This furry offender has plans for you, oh my goodness yes. He is going to fuck you up big style. Man, when he gets his hands on you it’s going to be Apocalypse Now starring your face. He’ll be all up in your shit and you’ll be like “Whaaat?” and he’ll be like “Now you know the true meaning of horror, my friend” all cold like he’s Werner Herzog describing a thing. Oh my days, he can’t wait to see it all go down. It is going to be suh-weet. Ah, but that can wait til tomorrow because he’s quite tired today.

The Moderate Speed Demon
Reaching speeds of up to 15 mph on its customised three-gear Raleigh Chopper, the Moderate Speed Demon is coming at you like a bat sauntering back into hell after popping out to buy a pack of fags or some Smarties.

The Unfairy
This pointy-eared lout will nudge your hand as you are slicing cake or pizza, ensuring that somebody will get a much smaller slice than anybody else.