Creeps into your bedroom at night and sucks the farts from under your duvet. Even he doesn’t know why.
Dark Lord Statin
A denizen of one of the outer regions of Hell (near Redcar), the Dark Lord Statin lowers cholesterol levels by hacking off your arms, legs, buttocks etc with his rusty sword. The weight literally drops off you. Although the side effects include asymmetry and death, he’s still quite a popular alternative to diet and exercise.
Bellends. Total bloody bellends. Imps are wild and uncontrollable, seemingly existing only to follow their whims, no matter who they may annoy or irritate or accidentally decapitate or push out of a window for chuckles. Imps are full of boundless energy and a limitless capacity for malevolent fun. Not to be confused with children, which are worse.
A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany lives in furniture stores and whispers suggestively into ladies’ ears: “oh… that chest of drawers would look adorable in your bedroom” or “come on my sweet, you’ve only been here an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course a lady can never have too many chests of drawers”.
But a lady can have too many chests of drawers. He’s evil. Pure evil.
The Very Slender Man
The myth of The Slender Man is quite well known by now. He is a long man with the power to appear unrealistic in old photographs. And now sightings are trickling in of this, the Very Slender Man, who is, apparently, a bit slenderer and even less realistic.
I am unconvinced as to the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched to the end of them. Fair enough, his face does appear to be entirely made of mouth, but he could have carved that hole into his head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.
The Dread Cuthulu
Every time somebody spells “Cthulhu” wrong on the internet, they get closer to calling his slightly less impressive, differently-spelled cousin to this Earthly realm. He’s damp, 5 foot two and smells of seaweed and regret. Unlike his monstrous cousin, he is not covered in tentacles. That’s not what those are.
The Ravenous Amorph
Look, you’d better do what he suggests and give this a like, because I think he means it. It must have taken him ages to write that sign with those tentacles. What? No, I didn’t write the sign. I admit the writing looks like mine but that’s because I used my tentacles to write it.
The Hash Brownie
“Riddle me these questions three,
Woah, I am fucking toasted, me
What was I..? Did I say the bit
about the questions? Lemme take a hit
While I think…
…OK, all right
Did I ask you the questions? And did you get them right?
Well shit! Nice work! Be on your journey
Riddle. Riddle. Riddle. Does that word sound funny?”