Cheryl
That word you thought was on the tip of your tongue? It’s not. It’s on the tip of Cheryl’s. She swallows the word whole, then regurgitates it and spits it into your brain two days later, when it’s of no use to you. She’s a complete… a total… oh, what’s the word…
The Large-Arsed Outrage
So you’ve gone to bed with two legs and woken up with only one. There in the corner of your bedroom you see the Large Arsed Outrage munching through what used to be your thigh.
“What the hell are you doing?” you shout.
“I beg your pardon!?” huffs the Outrage, outraged, its surprisingly upper-middle-class voice dripping with disdain, “can’t you see I’m busy?”.
You sit quietly until it has finished before registering your disapproval in the strongest possible terms.
The Heart-Shaped Biscuit Bogle
Whenever your heart is broken, the heart-shaped biscuit bogle will gently remove it with his claw hammer and keep it safe. He stores it in a little oven at a low heat, which hardens it a little more each time, before returning it, usually around three months later.
The Flapping Fanny
At times of great personal crisis the flapping fanny will appear, running round and round in circles, screaming “what are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?”. Obviously the first thing to do is kick the annoying little bastard over the nearest wall, before running round and round in circles screaming “NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?” and hoping another flapping fanny appears that you can kick.
The Bulb-Headed Dribbling Nuisance
Sometimes you may be tempted to search for the hero inside yourself. If you do it properly, and really push your hand in up to the elbow and have a rummage, you are most likely to find this: the bulb-headed dribbling nuisance inside yourself. By all means keep looking for a hero but you won’t find one.
The Six-Titted Irrelevance
Picture the scene: this distracting little miscreant has popped up and is following you around, singing painfully tuneless sea shanties and slapping your shins with its four slimy tentacles, basically making your life a misery, but every time you try to talk to someone about it they say “well I don’t see how that’s relevant”. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?
What is a monster?*
*It’s a monster
Father “Father” Christmas, the wealthy Lap toy manufacturer and philanthropist, has finally been released after a forty-four year kidnap ordeal.
Mr. Christmas had been seized in 1970 by some very, very naughty boys and girls.
News of his release has revealed a massive worldwide conspiracy to conceal the fate of the man known as “Santa Claus”. Parents had been instructed to maintain the appearance that Mr. Christmas was still visiting homes every Christmas Eve, by buying toys that he had previously given away for free.
Precise details of his capture and eventual release remain a closely-guarded secret, but a police spokesman announced they were looking for a Mr. Mattel and a Mr. Hasbro to help them with their enquiries. It is also believed that the Toys R Us giraffe was shot in the face in the course of the operation.
A frail-looking Father Christmas could only raise a red-mittened thumbs up, and mutter something about his kidnappers being “on my list, and not my nice list.” before being placed on a plane bound for RAF Lineham for debriefing.
Father Christmas is expected to return to work next December.
1. If anyone can hear you singing “Silent Night” you’re singing it wrong. The audible version is called “Audible Night”, for reasons lost in the mists of time!
2. Father Christmas is not Christmases real dad, he’s its step-dad, which is why he tries too hard.
3. The day after Christmas, December 26, is known as Boxing Day, because that’s traditionally the day when naughty children, fresh from their humiliating snub by Santa Claus, are put in boxes and posted to Hell!
4. The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25, 336AD in Rome, although the shops were full of decorations and Frozen calendars from mid-October that year!
5. The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas carols. It was an odd move as nothing is guaranteed to suck the joy out of an occasion like singing all fifteen fucking verses of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”!
6. Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones since 1991. Artificial sentiment overtook actual emotion two years later!
7. If you added up all the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas, while on fire, it would still be more fun than singing it, and anyone singing it in the area would be jealous of you!
8. Christmas is the time of year that parents tell a little white lie to children: that Doctor Who is actually any good!
9. Scientists estimate that human vocal chords evolved around 50,000 years ago, and since then the worst sound any human has ever made is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”!
10. Atheists celebrate Christmas by singing carols such as “Hark! Nothing Sings”, “O Come All Ye Knowledgeable” and “Audible Night”!
Remember this sitcom from the eighties?
Too Many Cooks aired in the 3am informercials spot on Adult Swim and is a relentlessly trippy example of running a joke into the ground, picking it up, dusting it off and then running it back into the ground. Then hitting it with a machete. Love it.
Ramshackle Charm 