Beastlies: The Pisk


This tiny, duck-footed slimeball hides in your fridge and makes all your food taste slightly of fish which is, of course, the absolute worst thing for anything to taste slightly of.


Beastlies: The Very Slender Man


The myth of The Slender Man is very well known. He is a long man with the uncanny ability to appear unrealistic in old photoshops. And now, terrifyingly, reports are now trickling in of this, The Very Slender Man, who is, apparently a bit slenderer, and even less realistic.

I am yet to be convinced of the veracity of these sightings. I think he’s on stilts, and I’m pretty sure those are just long, empty sleeves with gloves stitched stitched to the end of them.

Fair enough, his face does appear to be a massive hole filled with teeth but a commited hoaxer could have carved that hole into his own head using a spoon or something. Yeah, I’m not buying it.

Beastlies: Jonjo the Startler


You may have heard of “elementals”  – powerful entities born of fire, water, air or earth. Jonjo was born of the element of surprise. You absolutely won’t be expecting him to pop up in your kitchen or bathroom, and you certainly won’t be expecting him to shout “MERINGUE!” right in your face, but that’s what he will do.

Of course, now you’ve read this, and you are expecting him to do it, he won’t. Ever. Surprise!

Beastlies: The Probiotic Yoggoth


The Probiotic Yoggoth looks awful and tastes even worse, but if you can swallow a Yoggoth whole it will eliminate any stomach problems you may have, by eating your stomach. It will then eliminate any kidney problems, liver problems and, ultimately, any problems you may be experiencing or causing for other people. Useful.

Beastlies: Cheryl


That word you thought was on the tip of your tongue? It’s not. It’s on the tip of Cheryl’s. She sticks her tongue into your head and steals the word from you, swallowing it whole. Then, two days later, when it’s of no use to you, she regurgitates it and and spits it back into your brain. She’s a complete… a total… oh, what’s the word…

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The Dinky Grey Dismantler
He is adorable. D’awwww! I can’t even! But be warned: if you get too close, maybe to pat his lovable head, or to poke your finger into his canny sideways little mouth-slot, lined as it is with loads of wubbly ickle teeth, he will shred you like you’re a crispy aromatic duck and he is a pair of forks. And even as you lie there in pieces, looking like a grisly, wet jigsaw of yourself, part of you will still be thinking “OMG so CUTE!”. (In case you’re wondering which part of you will be thinking that, it’s that part over there, lying on the floor in a puddle its own juices BECAUSE YOU GOT TOO CLOSE!)