The Thwarted Ambition
This furry offender has plans for you, oh my goodness yes. He is going to fuck you up big style. Man, when he gets his hands on you it’s going to be Apocalypse Now starring your face. He’ll be all up in your shit and you’ll be like “Whaaat?” and he’ll be like “Now you know the true meaning of horror, my friend” all cold like he’s Werner Herzog describing a thing. Oh my days, he can’t wait to see it all go down. It is going to be suh-weet. Ah, but that can wait til tomorrow because he’s quite tired today.

The Moderate Speed Demon
Reaching speeds of up to 15 mph on its customised three-gear Raleigh Chopper, the Moderate Speed Demon is coming at you like a bat sauntering back into hell after popping out to buy a pack of fags or some Smarties.

The Unfairy
This pointy-eared lout will nudge your hand as you are slicing cake or pizza, ensuring that somebody will get a much smaller slice than anybody else.

Cheryl
That word you thought was on the tip of your tongue? It’s not. It’s on the tip of Cheryl’s. She swallows the word whole, then regurgitates it and spits it into your brain two days later, when it’s of no use to you. She’s a complete… a total… oh, what’s the word…

The Large-Arsed Outrage
So you’ve gone to bed with two legs and woken up with only one. There in the corner of your bedroom you see the Large Arsed Outrage munching through what used to be your thigh.
“What the hell are you doing?” you shout.
“I beg your pardon!?” huffs the Outrage, outraged, its surprisingly upper-middle-class voice dripping with disdain, “can’t you see I’m busy?”.
You sit quietly until it has finished before registering your disapproval in the strongest possible terms.

The Heart-Shaped Biscuit Bogle
Whenever your heart is broken, the heart-shaped biscuit bogle will gently remove it with his claw hammer and keep it safe. He stores it in a little oven at a low heat, which hardens it a little more each time, before returning it, usually around three months later.

The Flapping Fanny
At times of great personal crisis the flapping fanny will appear, running round and round in circles, screaming “what are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?”. Obviously the first thing to do is kick the annoying little bastard over the nearest wall, before running round and round in circles screaming “NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?” and hoping another flapping fanny appears that you can kick.

The Bulb-Headed Dribbling Nuisance
Sometimes you may be tempted to search for the hero inside yourself. If you do it properly, and really push your hand in up to the elbow and have a rummage, you are most likely to find this: the bulb-headed dribbling nuisance inside yourself. By all means keep looking for a hero but you won’t find one.

The Six-Titted Irrelevance
Picture the scene: this distracting little miscreant has popped up and is following you around, singing painfully tuneless sea shanties and slapping your shins with its four slimy tentacles, basically making your life a misery, but every time you try to talk to someone about it they say “well I don’t see how that’s relevant”. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?

What is Inktober?

What is a monster?*

*It’s a monster