Bristle-Backed Flob
Vampires these days are generally portrayed as sensitive, brooding men with sparkly skin and very little pubic hair, which is not bad going for what is essentially a horrifying six-foot leech with legs, who smells of black pudding, Brylcreem and scabs.

So now a lot of monsters have tried to rehabilitate their image in the same way. This sweaty cretin has given himself a makeover and thinks he looks suave, not realising that you can paint one eyebrow raised on your mask but that doesn’t make you David Niven.

The Furry Perdling
If you have lost something, and you say this simple rhyme: “O Perdling, O Perdling, Come and help me find this thing”, then up to seven days later the Furry Perdling will email you a series of questions like where did you see it last?, or is it in your pocket?

Five days after that it will appear and point somewhere the item definitely isn’t, to help you eliminate that area from your enquiries. Then it will eat its way into your face and lay its eggs in your brain. Basically don’t say the rhyme, is what I’m getting at.

The Thwarted Ambition
This furry offender has plans for you, oh my goodness yes. He is going to fuck you up big style. Man, when he gets his hands on you it’s going to be Apocalypse Now starring your face. He’ll be all up in your shit and you’ll be like “Whaaat?” and he’ll be like “Now you know the true meaning of horror, my friend” all cold like he’s Werner Herzog describing a thing. Oh my days, he can’t wait to see it all go down. It is going to be suh-weet. Ah, but that can wait til tomorrow because he’s quite tired today.

The Moderate Speed Demon
Reaching speeds of up to 15 mph on its customised three-gear Raleigh Chopper, the Moderate Speed Demon is coming at you like a bat sauntering back into hell after popping out to buy a pack of fags or some Smarties.

The Unfairy
This pointy-eared lout will nudge your hand as you are slicing cake or pizza, ensuring that somebody will get a much smaller slice than anybody else.

Cheryl
That word you thought was on the tip of your tongue? It’s not. It’s on the tip of Cheryl’s. She swallows the word whole, then regurgitates it and spits it into your brain two days later, when it’s of no use to you. She’s a complete… a total… oh, what’s the word…

The Large-Arsed Outrage
So you’ve gone to bed with two legs and woken up with only one. There in the corner of your bedroom you see the Large Arsed Outrage munching through what used to be your thigh.
“What the hell are you doing?” you shout.
“I beg your pardon!?” huffs the Outrage, outraged, its surprisingly upper-middle-class voice dripping with disdain, “can’t you see I’m busy?”.
You sit quietly until it has finished before registering your disapproval in the strongest possible terms.

The Heart-Shaped Biscuit Bogle
Whenever your heart is broken, the heart-shaped biscuit bogle will gently remove it with his claw hammer and keep it safe. He stores it in a little oven at a low heat, which hardens it a little more each time, before returning it, usually around three months later.

The Flapping Fanny
At times of great personal crisis the flapping fanny will appear, running round and round in circles, screaming “what are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?”. Obviously the first thing to do is kick the annoying little bastard over the nearest wall, before running round and round in circles screaming “NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?” and hoping another flapping fanny appears that you can kick.

The Bulb-Headed Dribbling Nuisance
Sometimes you may be tempted to search for the hero inside yourself. If you do it properly, and really push your hand in up to the elbow and have a rummage, you are most likely to find this: the bulb-headed dribbling nuisance inside yourself. By all means keep looking for a hero but you won’t find one.