I did a reading as part of Middlesbrough Literary Festival on Saturday afternoon. I video’d it and I miiiiiight put it on YouTube but on the other hand maybe it would be best if I didn’t and you imagined it was packed and I was great.

Anyway, they wanted short stories and poetry so I wrote this on Saturday morning.

Some Thoughts on Domestos

Domestos! Kills 99% of germs, it’s true,
But it kills 100% of rabbits too.
They don’t put that on the bottle, do they?
Ever wonder why? No? Well, OK,
But I have, and this is what I think:
It wouldn’t sell more bottles, ‘cos if you were standing by the sink
And you glanced towards the toilet and you saw a little bunny,
Sitting in the toilet bowl all twitchy, furry, funny,
Your first reaction wouldn’t be: “Hey Audrey, get the bleach!
And not that own-brand stuff this time, I think it’s time we teach
These furry u-bend trespassers that I will not be messed with.
Get. The. Domestos.” You wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t. Well, I did…
Just once, and my toilet bowl’s been free of rabbits since,
And my sink and lino floor are clear of dirty rabbit prints.
Oh, and also? Domestos kills 100% of tigers too.
I think. You’d have to use a lot of it. (I’m banned from the zoo.)