Fact File #8: Tigers

Despite their colouring, tigers do not taste orangey. If anything they taste of silently stalking death mandibles. With a slight cinnamon tang.

It is easy to tell the difference between an Indian tiger and an African tiger: an Indian tiger’s ears are relatively small in proportion to its head, whereas African tigers do not exist.

There used to be eight subspecies of tiger. There are now only five, plus Tigger, but there’s only one of him, a fact which he currently finds “wonderful” because the awful implications have yet to hit him. But they will, and when they do… bam, no more bouncing and singing, he’ll be with Eeyore down by the river, you mark my words.

Tiger saliva is antiseptic. It’s what Bear Grylls uses instead of Savlon.

The distinctive markings of the tiger acts as camouflage in tall reeds, grasses and the bedrooms of people who think they are way sexier than they actually are.

Once a tiger has tasted human flesh, all other foods become secondary and they will always crave another taste. We are like heroin or crispy aromatic duck to tigers.

“Catch the tail by the tiger,” sang the Fraggles. “Don’t,” sings me. Who are you going to believe?

A tiger’s most developed sense is its sense of hearing, followed by its sense of humour and its sense of fair play (never cheat while playing Boggle with a tiger. They get grumpy). Its least developed sense is its fashion sense. C’mon guys, it’s the spring season: orange and black again?

Tigers do not purr, although if they know a tune they’ll sometimes hum along.

Tigers enjoy Frosties, but will often buy the supermarket own-brand equivalent, becase they have no real conception of brand loyalty. One more thing which separates us from the beasts, along with abstract reasoning and the use of condiments.

More facts next time, fact fans!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s