Fact File #9: Giraffes

Giraffes have no tear ducts, so the only real way to tell if you’ve upset one is when they stop putting little kisses at the end of their text messages.

Giraffes evolved their long necks for a giggle. Irreversible evolutionary decisions should never be made while drunk.

Giraffes are vegetarian, but don’t bang on about it, or insist you use a separate grill when you’re barbecuing their beanburgers.

Giraffes have excellent eyesight, which they need to see if their shoelaces are untied.

Never play I Spy with a giraffe for money.

A giraffe’s natural enemies are lions, hyenas and vampires.

The knobs on the top of a giraffe’s head are called ossicones, and mean a giraffe’s choice of headgear is limited to the top hat or sun visor. Neither is a good look for a giraffe, but try telling them that.

Giraffe necks come in three varieties: straight, bendy and crazy.

A giraffe’s coat pattern is unique, and takes two hours to apply each morning, using potato prints and HP Sauce.

Giraffes are considered by naturalists to be among the worlds most fascinating animals, but you still don’t want to be stuck talking to one at a party. Yes, you are tall and acacia leaves are tasty, I get it! Jesus.

More facts next time, fact fans!