This Saturday morning I was running round the basement of Newcastle’s Discovery Museum in a tuxedo and a shoulder holster pretending to be James Bond. I realise it’s the unlikeliest bit of Bond casting since Woody Allen got the gig, but goodness me it was fun.

They have rooms full of dead animals in that basement, and poisoned darts brought back from Captain Cooks voyages which are still contaminated with arsenic and other exotically painful death-lubes so strictly speaking eating down there was a) absolutely forbidden and b) potentially fatal. Glad I didn’t have to eat the crisps!

The 30 second extravanganza was written by Dave Jewell and directed by John AC Alllen for the Doritos King of Ads competition. I hope it does well for them both.