Fact File #11: The Octopus

The octopus is the fourth most intelligent creature on Earth, behind humans, dolphins and my dog Chris. Honestly, it’s like he really understands what you say to him! And he looks really thoughtful sometimes. OK, he only got a 2:2 in his media studies degree, but he was quite poorly that June and to be honest he hardly revised at all.

The octopus got its name from seven-year-old Hannah Remington in 1986. She entered a Blue Peter “Name This Icky Glob of Whatever” competition and won a badge and some book tokens.

Contrary to popular belief the plural of “octopus” is not “octopi”, because the word “octopus” does not come from the Latin, it comes from a seven-year-old girl. The actual plural of “octopus” is “octopises”.

The blue-ringed octopus is one of the deadliest creatures on Earth. One dose of its venom can kill up to 26 people. Although, to be honest, all species of octopus are deadly, depending on how many of them you try to put in your mouth in one go.

Octopises are cold-blooded, like Ann Widdicombe.

Octopises have three hearts, which is three more than Ann Widdicombe. They are also better dancers, look more attractive in lipstick and, despite being millions of years old, hold more progressive views on homosexuality.

Male octopises have sex more times than Ann Widdicombe ever will i.e. once. They die shortly afterwards. Mating is brief, ugly and the female octopus will often eat her male suitor, which is kind of what I imagine sex with Ann Widdicombe would be like. I really must stop trying to imagine what sex with Ann Widdicombe would be like. I’d rather fuck an octopus.

Octopises rarely fart, as by the time they have worked out which leg to lift the moment has gone.

Octopises are masters of camouflage, and can transform themselves to resemble many other sea creatures using only stage makeup and a series of false moustaches.

You can buy octopises quite cheap but man, the replacement ink costs a fortune.

More facts next time, fact fans!

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