Polar bears camouflage themselves by covering up their black noses with their white paws. There could be a polar bear standing in front of your fridge right now and you’d never know. In fact, there probably is. In fact, there definitely is. Run!

Contrary to popular belief, polar bears do not enjoy Fox’s Glacier Mints. They prefer to eat sea lions, fish and Werther’s Originals.

Polar bears are playful animals. You often see them in the zoo doing the Hokey Cokey, although for some reason they get stuck on the “in out in out” bit and never quite make it to the “shake it all about” bit. They are funny!

Polar bears are solitary beasts. They claim to be single by choice, but come on. Like that’s fooling anybody.

Polar bears are often portrayed as the innocent victims of climate change, but when was the last time you saw a polar bear buying an energy-saving lightbulb? Put up or shut up, polar bears.

I adopted a polar bear through the Word Wildlife Fund. She writes to me twice a year, which is nice. I don’t know what I’m going to say when she asks about her real parents though. It’s a worry.

The popular advert in which two polar bears enjoy a bottle of Coca-Cola was faked. CGI was used to conceal the fact the bears were actually drinking Fentiman’s ginger beer.

If you were bitten by a radioactive polar bear, you would not develop the proportionate strength and speed of a polar bear; nor would you gain any other powers, such as the ability to turn practically invisible just by covering your nose with your hand. You would most likely die quite quickly of massive blood loss and trauma, or slowly of radiation poisoning. That sort of thing only works with spiders, apparently.

God, if you think polar bears are so great, why don’t you go and live in one?

More facts next time, fact fans!