Fact File #3: Cats

Cats have nine lives, which is, like, nine more than me.

You should never pick a cat up by the scruff of its neck; always use the carry-handle concealed in its tummy hatch.

Cats have 290 bones in their bodies, which is 30 less than a dog but 290 more than a KFC crispy strip.

A cat’s normal body temperature is 101.5 degrees, and yet its heart is as cold as ice.

People who own cats live longer, have less stress, have fewer heart attacks, less friends and absolutely zero awareness of how little I care about that cute thing their cat did this morning.

Cats can see up to 120 feet away. The first rudimentary telescope involved Galileo putting his eye to a cat’s arse, and twisting its neck to focus.

Finding a room with enough room to swing a cat in can take a lot of trial and error, and several cats. It’s usually the ceiling that scuppers things.

In popular British sitcom Are You Being Served?, the character Mrs Slocombe would often refer amusingly to her “pussy”. Which is why whenever I hear the word “pussy” I think of Molly Sugden’s vagina. Which is a shame. A real.

If it wasn’t for cats jumping into boxes there would only be 600 videos on YouTube, and half of those would be of cats who had been put into boxes jumping out of them.

Cartoon cats are far more resilient than real ones. You try clouting a real cat in the face with a steam iron – you’ll be amazed at how messy and permanent the damage is, to both the cat and the iron, although the iron should still work ok.

Owning a cat is a good way of announcing to the world that from now on, instead of nice, thoughtful presents you’d actually like any old piece of tat with a picture of a cat on it for birthdays and Christmas.

My first childhood crush was on Catwoman. I still fancy her now but I worry that if I was going out with her, and my parents came round to visit, she’d spend the whole time sitting in the middle of the living room carpet licking her own arsehole.

More facts next time, fact fans!

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