The octopus is the fourth most intelligent creature on Earth, behind humans, dolphins and my dog Chris. Honestly, it’s like he really understands what you say to him! And he looks really thoughtful sometimes. OK, he only got a 2:2 in his media studies degree, but he was quite poorly that June and to be honest he hardly revised at all.
The octopus got its name from seven-year-old Hannah Remington in 1986. She entered a Blue Peter “Name This Icky Glob of Whatever” competition and won a badge and some book tokens.
Contrary to popular belief the plural of “octopus” is not “octopi”, because the word “octopus” does not come from the Latin, it comes from a seven-year-old girl. The actual plural of “octopus” is “octopises”.
The blue-ringed octopus is one of the deadliest creatures on Earth. One dose of its venom can kill up to 26 people. Although, to be honest, all species of octopus are deadly, depending on how many of them you try to put in your mouth in one go.
Octopises are cold-blooded, like Ann Widdicombe.
Octopises have three hearts, which is three more than Ann Widdicombe. They are also better dancers, look more attractive in lipstick and, despite being millions of years old, hold more progressive views on homosexuality.
Male octopises have sex more times than Ann Widdicombe ever will i.e. once. They die shortly afterwards. Mating is brief, ugly and the female octopus will often eat her male suitor, which is kind of what I imagine sex with Ann Widdicombe would be like. I really must stop trying to imagine what sex with Ann Widdicombe would be like. I’d rather fuck an octopus.
Octopises rarely fart, as by the time they have worked out which leg to lift the moment has gone.
Octopises are masters of camouflage, and can transform themselves to resemble many other sea creatures using only stage makeup and a series of false moustaches.
You can buy octopises quite cheap but man, the replacement ink costs a fortune.
More facts next time, fact fans!
There is a light that never goes out: it is the little red one on my PlayStation 2. I really should unplug it when I’ve finished playing Bishi Bashi Challenge.
Giraffes have no tear ducts, so the only real way to tell if you’ve upset one is when they stop putting little kisses at the end of their text messages.
Despite their colouring, tigers do not taste orangey. If anything they taste of silently stalking death mandibles. With a slight cinnamon tang.
Polar bears camouflage themselves by covering up their black noses with their white paws. There could be a polar bear standing in front of your fridge right now and you’d never know. In fact, there probably is. In fact, there definitely is. Run!
Hippos feel pretentious when they have to refer to more than one of themselves as “hippopotami”. They tend to avoid other hippopotamususes for this reason.
Vikings had long hair, moustaches and spoke a bit like the Swedish chef off The Muppets. Ooh, scary.
Cats have nine lives, which is, like, nine more than me.
Ducks are genetically programmed to mate for life, but it doesn’t hurt to bring them chocolates or flowers every once in a while to keep the romance alive.
